This day will pass, just like every other day since this date a year ago. As Marti says, every day is a day of remembrance for us. I think today will be only a little harder.
I continually look back to remember what Scott was doing on any particular day or time. Often, I play through the events of the attack ( I have learned a lot about it) and imagine being there with them seeing the event from all different angles. It may seem weird, but it brings no pain or emotion. I am completely detached from the event, merely a witness. It is how I have come to understand what happened and be with Scott and the others at that moment. I can’t stop or change the outcome, but at least I can be with him when he dies. Often, Marti will look at me as ask what I am thinking and I just answer, “Scott”.
Early this morning as the time of the attack approached and those bright blue digits on the clock ticked closer to 4:20am, I lay awake and this was my only thought. Then I reminded myself that this day will not bring that news again. It will not be a reenactment of those terrible moments of Christy’s phone call and the frantic need to be with her.
This last year’s journey has brought me from shock, denial, physically painful, gut-wrenching, disabling numbness to where I live today: a place of sharing, supporting, honoring and remembering. When I revisit the indelible moments of those days last August it never fails to flame the emotion that is there constantly right under the surface. I refuse to allow it to be painful, that is debilitating and thus pointless. I let the feelings run over me as if rain and shed my tears, suck in my breath and remember the goodness. This does not always work. .
Among the thoughts of Scott, I wondered if any other soldiers had died on this day in the other years of this war and I resolved to find out when I got up. In my email this morning is a Google Alert for Scott and it is to a blog, “Remembering The Fallen” run by Debra Estep who does just that for every date. Today’s Fallen are honored there in addition to our five, Justin Penrod, William Scates, Andrew Lancaster, William Edwards and Scott. Since our five fell, there have been 453 more brave men and women killed. Now families just like ours and therefore now our family too. 4188 since the beginning.
On the bright side, Scott’s dear friend, John Wayne Reynolds and his lovely wife Michelle are going to be here from Austin for the weekend, arriving Wednesday. We think the world of these two and it will be a real joy to have them here to hug and lug around DC doing the touristy stuff.
